The 10 Craziest NES Games EVER! Brought to you by
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The release of the original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) marked the puberty of home videogame consoles. And if puberty is a time of great change, awkwardness, stupidity, sexual exploration, and plain old craziness, then you could equate the puberty of home console videogames to the combined puberties of Marilyn Manson, Japanese Cyber-Beings, Space Age Ninja Warriors, and Hello Kitty. After all, we played these games on rudimentary 8-bit technology, so the NES had a tendency to recreate lofty movies like Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Rambo into something you’d make using felt-board Sunday School figures and Light Bright while smoking pot. Needless to say, this resulted in the release of some pretty bizarre, fucked-up games. Some were crack-headed but addicting, like Super Mario Bros. 3. Others were moderately crazy and mediocre, like Golgo 13 and Wizards and Warriors. However, there were a few games that were utterly, completely bat-shit insane.

This list comprises what I, Jiu-Jitsu Mike, believe be ten of the most fucked-up NES games in human history. In order to make so much as a #10 rank on this list, a game has to be so nuts that even a basement-dwelling cosplayer would likely raise an eyebrow and back away slowly after playing it. And in order to so much as approach the #1 spot, a game has to be so steeped in the essence of sheer madness that horny, Japanese, panty-collecting game developers have to handle the game cartridge in a sterile decompression chamber.

To slowly acclimatize you to this sheer madness, I’ve listed the games in reverse-order, from mildly weird to planet-splitting fucksanity. So unless you’re ready to watch your 8-bit boxer character get powered-up by a blowjob between rounds, I suggest you start with Attack Animal Gakuen. Or, if you’re hardcore, just click on any game of your choice to begin your quest!