#10. Attack Animal Gakuen 10 Craziest NES Games @ jjmike.com

How did for make the connection with flying schoolgirl on broom (I wish I was the broom more in my life!) with firepower against animals? That answer doesn’t matter, because running, flying, feisty schoolgirl always makes Benny Moto make miso soup in his underpants!

You kangaroos, STAY AWAY, give your Australian joys another chance SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Surely an inexplicable game is Attack Animal Gakuen. Right when you read the verb before noun, you know surely this is from Fucko-Town Japan. It is could have been “Gakuen: The Animal Attack,” but surely that makes too much America-sense. True way of the videogame reads “Attack Animal Gakuen!” This reverse word order is the spirit of things truly. Definitely! It makes life the carnival in your pants.

Example: take your look at this. Ha ha, 8-bit system trying to make the 3D is like Penn and Teller trying to make the heterosexuality! All the things fall flat on its face. So shitty! Tiles of grass are dark green and light green like checker board, and they zoom into to try and make 3D for you! And then little scrumptious schoolgirl (ahh, schoolgirl! Fap fap fap!) makes the running like Stephen Segal . . . but not when you make flight! Just press up for the experience of like Tinkerbell the Disney-whore making flight. It’s easy for you! And look! Schoolgirl here has a machinegun! SEXY HOT-SEX ACTION GUN-BUNNY ON THE WITCH-BROOM!      AHHH! OHHH! MY PANTS!!!!

Just a little bit to uplift the skirt...Benny can almost see the goal of his satisfaction...oh wait, can I see it?! Those two white pixels at her hot zone, could they be the pantys??? Oh YES! OH YES THEY ARE! OOOHHHH!!!

Meanwhile all the enemies have an experience for you: they’re firing at you! A random thing happens: look at the randomly bouncing kangaroo! And random statules and blob things. But if you can tell when the shots have a connection with your schoolgirl? No, no! Success in the time of Attack Animal Gakuen is only depends on a your skill: your skill of interpreting shitty 2D as 3D. Only then can success in Attack Animal Gakuen. But if you can success this, you must also be able for the impossible, like selling the Amish Bible devotional to Hard Gay! Ha ha, Hard Gay is too gay for these things so you won’t be able to see what the fuck is going on in shitty 8-bit 3D. You take the hits like random things and loose your lives, and when GAME OVER comes on the screen from fireball attacks of flying aardvarks and boss koala in the Catholic priest outfit, you stand up and scream like black people scream about basketball!


Boss Koala won't stand a chance against my Sailor Moon broomstick magic! Oh how you fly, schoolgirl! How I wish I was to help you in your adventures as player 2, and your reward for me waiting!

All the things make Attack Animal Gakuen seriously fucked up is simplicity: hot panty schoolgirl (fap fap fap SPLORT!) flying to the justice like a sex-witch, while the fireball-shooting animals are doing evil plans. And the winds fly up to show up the skirt for views to her panties! OH YES, OH MY PANTS, AHHHHHH!!! What better game? I dare you to make the idea!            


Benny Moto's Ratings:




Gameplay: I play Attack Animal Gakuen just like I play the smooth-jazzman pick-up lines at the bar when I see the schoolgirl for me. "Hello baby, would you guess why anyone has destiny here? I can show you a place where candlelight is common. My moped has room for a second rider."



Graphics: What have I said? 8-bit schoolgirl gun-bunny is on flight all the time! These graphics are make me do the jack-off in the shower so I get to work late!



Sound: Hearing these musics, I get the erection!




Challenge: It’s a Japanese game! Beating it’s possibility only if you’re Japanese! DUH!


JJMike's Ratings:

Fun: Sorry Benny, but this game practically fries the word "fun" out of my vocabulary. Yeah, you play the role of a Japanese schoolgirl, but shit, I don't understand how her 8-bit body gets you all hot and bothered . . . although if it was 16-bit I could see where you're coming from.


Gameplay: If I was a superhero, my superpower would be the ability to not get off to Japanese schoolgirls. That would that enable me to see through this game's thin veil of sexiness to the shittiness within. However, it would also enable me to finally resist that Mobile Gundam pilot commander chick cosplayer who keeps seducing me at anime conventions.


Graphics: Ha ha, it's always tragically funny when a videogame tries to look better than it can. This game is like the type of kid who wears a shitty thriftstore Allan Iverson jersey around town while subtly hoping that nobody will notice he got it from the bottom of a garbage bag that someone's grandma dropped off.


Sound: Benny, I know you otakus get off on some weird shit. But I can't see how this music gets you hard. I don't think I've ever gotten off to any music. . . although there was that one Schoolhouse Rock song about multiplying by fives. . . .


Challenge: The challenge of Attack Animal Gakuen lies in the player's inability to judge 3D through the context of shitty 2D. That's like trying to judge how attractive a Muslim girl is through all that gothic burial garb they wear. Not that I've ever tried that.




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