Making a Blues Brothers videogame is like making a Terminator 2-themed TV dinner. You know beforehand that it’s going to be a retardedly pointless disaster, so you don’t bother eating it. At first it may seem impossible to make either a Blues Brothers videogame or a T2-themed TV dinner, but remember that it is possible for Swanson to make the chicken nuggets into little rocket-launcher shapes, make silver-colored jell-o (to make it look like the liquid-metal T-1000), and to design the dinner tray itself to look like a circuit board. However, when you’re eating the breaded chicken-paste and swallowing the silver jell-o, your dining experience will ironically have as little to do with T2 as possible. The same is true of the Blues Brothers NES game.
The Blues Brothers movie was a perpetual onslaught of bad-ssity that not only stuck it to the man, but made viewers want to dance, run over Nazis, and run from the police all at the same time. This is the most fertile ground you can get for the making of a videogame. We’ve all seen game developers make better games from the premise of plumbers eating mushrooms, jumping on turtles, and sliding through pipes. So you’d think that the chances of making a bad Blues Brothers game would be the same chances of a hyperactive retarded person not cutting himself open while shaving in the dark.
Sadly, this was not the case. The dickheads at Titus made The Blues Brothers a hop-n’bop platform game. So it’s basically like playing Super Mario Bros, except Mario is now dressed up in a suit and sunglasses, and he has no way of attacking his enemies. I’m serious here: Jake and Elwood have been stripped of any powers that would make them resemble anything even close to cool. You can’t even jump on the enemies’ heads to beat them. You’d think that since these are the fucking Blues Brothers, they’d at least be able to throw beer bottles, blast out deadly notes from their harmonicas, or throw condom-shurikens. Not so. Maybe Titus hired the guy who sued Donald Trump after being cut from The Apprentice to design Jake and Elwood’s character control, because these guys are pussies.
On top of all this, the game preps you for the first level by offering this nonsense before you begin playing. I find it miraculous that non-Japanese people could come up with something like this in a videogame: (see pic on right).
Surely you must be exaggerating. Is it possible for The Blues Brothers to be this fucked up and to suck this bad? Do Japanese game developers have a DISGRACE AMERICAN ICONS option in their software tools?
Sometimes it seems that videogame-makers are willing to go to unnatural lengths to stop their game from being interesting. Titus, made a game based on a movie in which two G-men used sass and rock n’ roll to regularly kick cowboy and Nazi ass…oh, and one of them had a disgruntled old girlfriend who chased him around the country with a flamethrower. With these resources on hand, even an Amish pope who was an accountant could make this game into the coolest thing that’s ever existed. Instead, we get to make Jake and Elwood hop around through gay mazes with speeds only attainable after downing a Starbucks Orange Mocha Fagspresso.
Jake Blues 's Ratings:
Fun: You know how bad I hate Illinois Nazis. Now imagine this game as Musolini living in a Hitler-shaped house in germany while eating a huge-ass plate of sour-kraut.
Gameplay: See if you can guess what this game is now . . .
Graphics: . . . it's a ZIT!
Sound: If those country-western hicks at the bar threw beer cans and bottles at us when we played REAL music, can you think of what they'd do to Taito's sound engineers after ripping off OUR music, which they hated to begin with? I'll give you two hints: "SQUEEEEE!" and "Deliverance."
Challenge: It's a challenge to imagine how anyone who's seen movies of me blasting food out of my mouth, running Nazis off a bridge, and chugging a whole bottle of Jack Daniels could think of me as THIS person:
Fun: The association of this game with the concept of "fun" lies on the same level of paradox as an irresistable force moving and immovable object. In other words, playing The Blues Brothers will make you into an emotional android, unable to experience or recall any type of fun whatsoever.
Gameplay: Playing this game for two minutes straight is enough to make you curl up into a fetal position and weep before God for those two minutes back.
Graphics: Representing Jake and Elwood in 8-bit is almost as blasphemous as representing Jesus Christ in a bottle of urine, calling it Pissed Christ, and placing it in an art gallery.
Sound: Who is the International Chairman of Ass that Titus hired to desecrate classic rock by converting great old tracks into midi format?
Challenge: If you could go back in time and stop this game from being made, I'm sure you'd win the favor of heaven. And that would be less challenging than beating this impossible travesty of a game.
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