A rogue squadron of autistic combat-breakdancers was responsible for the production of most of the early games for the NES. This had to have been the case, because no other theory explains sheer fucksanity inherent in games like Werewolf: The Last Warrior. Data East first hired a team of screenwriters from Universal Studios to create Werewolf, but the end result was a dynamic game that explored traditional gothic themes of man’s paradoxical link to and dichotomy against the animal world.
However, the ramen-eating, panty-collecting game developers were disappointed in the final game script and demo, as it made far too much sense for them to keep track of. Enlisting the help of the afore-mentioned breakdancing combat-autistics, the developers made up a story about a mad scientist who creates bio-monsters and imprisons Earth for no reason. The only hero who can stop him is “Werewolf.” Which werewolf? Well, it’s “Werewolf,” of course. That’s his actual name. That’s like Nintendo naming Mario “Plumber,” Sega naming Sonic “Hedgehog,” and DC Comics naming Superman “Fag” and Ghostrider “Retard Based on Mastubatory Fantasies of D&D Geeks.” All these names are accurate, but they fail to raise these heroes out of their generic who-gives-a-shit-ism. Your parents didn’t name you “Human,” and even if you were one of the last humans on earth, Human still probably wouldn’t become your name, even if you were popular among the post-apocalyptic Mutoids beyond Thunderdome.
Game Developer: "This werewolf character is AWESOME! What are we going to name him?"
Psychotic Autistic Game Developer: "Duh! He’s a werewolf, so his name is Werewolf! If we named him Joey or Tim or whatever, people wouldn’t know what the hell he was."
Game Developer: "But Chewbacca was a wookie, and his name wasn’t Wookie. It was Chewbacca."
Psychotic Autistic Game Developer: "This game isn’t set in space, asshole! Get me my reward-pudding before I cut you in half with my poisonous Pokemon claws!"
But it wasn’t enough for the werewolf to be named Werewolf. The developers had to go creatively apeshit and replace his hands with giant tusks. This sort of thing commonly happens when middle-school psychotics get together to create comic book and videogame characters. First they start out with a regular old sasquatch, for example. But then somebody has to go off the deep end and give Sasquatch a Mega Man arm-cannon. Then it becomes a pissing-contest where every next kid has to add something bad-ass to the character to try to one-up the other kids. The end result is a videogame character who contains more coolness and badassity than what is possible. And before you know it, you have a breakdancing ninja-sasquatch with an arm-cannon and roller blades who teaches kids to stay away from drugs.
His name: Sasquach.
Psychotic Autistic Game Developer's Ratings:
Fun: Werewolf: The Last Warrior is funner than drawing Sailor Moon, Panty Moon and Stripper Moon on my Trapper Keeper! I know Sailor Moon is a real character, but Panty Moon and Stripper Moon are my own characters! I have 8 other Trapper Keepers with drawings of them. Want to see?
Gameplay: My homo uncle doesn't care about anything I do, so one time he let me hitch up my Powerwheels car to the back of his pickup! He towed me around the soccer field, and I really kicked ass! It was like being in a cyber-world!
Graphics: I can't believe it! I always throw away the lemon and lime Skittles, but today, those are the only ones I want to eat!
Sound: We hired my cousin to do the sound on his keyboard. Did you know he did the sounds for the Indiana Jones movies? Are you calling me a liar?! MOM!!!!!!
Challenge: I've eaten grilled cheese for lunch for the past eight years.
Fun: Totally simulates the experience of being a real werewolf, from the giant tusks on your arms to the ability to jump 20 feet into the air while doing at least 50 ninja-wolf-flips. Problem is, I’m too much of a sexy beast already to really get a rise out of playing this game.
Gameplay: Whether I'm breakdancing at my favorite Brazilian disco or making other fighters at my jiu-jitsu academy tap like typewriters, I already know that playing Werewolf: The Last Warrior is a lot like playing through a typical day of my life. That's because the women on the dance floor tell me I've got enough animal magnitism to make the Tazmanian Devil look lazy, and my friends / rivals at jiu-jitsu tell me I'm so fierce that I make Crime Dog McGruff look like those guys from Reno 911.
Graphics: When I looked in the mirror this morning, I thought I was playing Werewolf: The Last Warrior. That’s because I’m such a sexy beast that I could hardly tell the difference between the two. What I’m trying to say here is that these are some pretty good graphics for a Data East game!
Sound: Ten year-old Ennio Moricone on a sugar rush gets his hands on the shittiest Casio keyboard in the universe.
Challenge: The main badguy of Werewolf has surrounded his base with such formidable enemies as bats and clumps of sticks that fly at werewolf and do just as much damage as a swordslash from ninja patrolmen. So you can expect your long, easy ride through this game to be interrupted by the occasional brick walls of near-impossibility. But the funny thing is that these challenging moments are usually due to bad programming rather than a careful construction of genuine difficulties.
Back to the jjmike.com frontpage!