Fatal Fury: Redefining fighting game stupidity. Untitled Document

STUPIDITY UNBRIDLED JJMike's roast of this deformed penis of a fighting game franchise called Fatal Fury

bodacious!            Back when Kellogs’ Pop Tarts were the rad food to eat, Pillsbury decided to compete with them by pimping its own tarts, which went by the RAD 2 THE MAX name of Toaster Strudel (yes yes yo, and ya' don't stop!). In commercials, rad kids leading inconceivably rad lifestyles would skateboard past Pop Tart-eating dorks and leave them in the dust. While at school, the rad Toaster Strudel kid would artfully take the Toaster Strudel’s icing packet and squeeze the stuff onto the actual strudel much like a DJ would scratch a record. However, when you’ve got a product called Toaster Strudel and when your spokesman is a fat, tiny little man made of dough, and when your target audience is a country full of bestial public school children, you may as well be trying to sell crosshatch rug-making kits to DMX. Anyway, my point here is that the relationship between these two breakfast foods parallels Street Fighter II’s relationship with the Fatal Fury series. Just as Toaster Strudel was a rip-off of Pop Tarts, so are the Fatal Fury games rip-offs of Street Fighter II. Later on, after maturing into the prime of tardhood, the Fatal Fury series ceased following in the footsteps of SFII and branched off into unexplored regions of stupidity.

            Fatal Fury: Special's background music sucks so bad it isn’t even music, the characters’ win-quotes are straight off of a gay sitcom that Republicans only had five minutes to edit, and the animation is choppier than an 8 year-old’s hand-drawn flipbook. The characters have stupid win quotes, where they make some elaborate pose as if it’s the most normal thing in the world and they’re totally not trying to be cool in the eyes of American players, and then say “Hoptabita hamaguchi!” or some other, more long-winded Japanese taunt that really means “The fight have not really been good for you? This is for the times. Perhaps again, when Master Zeku teaches you the difference.” The fighters' regular punches and kicks don't seem to be based on actual martial arts moves that would work in a real fight. So basically, if you jump and make your character kick in the air, he won't look like Bruce Lee, but rather like what an old G.I. Joe figure will look like when you dig him out from the bottom of the toy bin. It's like he's using spontaneous retard combustion in mid-air, and when you punch or kick on the ground, it's Muay Tard. Even the alliteration of “Fatal Fury” is moronic. There are two kinds of alliteration: the kind that tries to be funny and cute, like “The Adventures of Buddy the Bear”, and the kind that tries to be bad-ass, like “Mad Max: The Road Warrior!”. The title “Fatal Fury” appears to fall into the second category, but after re-considering with closer scrutiny, it really, really doesn’t. What kind of self-respecting street fighter would threaten his opponent with a “fatal fury!” or even name a tournament “The Fatal Fury Tournament”? I don’t know, but I do know that Capcom made a good move when they chose “Street Fighter” as the title for their premier line of fighting games. Sure, the title is generic, but you can’t go wrong with it, and I find it pretty impressive that the Japanese had the tact to use “Street Fighter” instead of something like “Lime-Colored Hyper-Tactics X: The Yokozuna Fighters.” But anyway, back to the issue at hand. To measure the actual mass and density of Fatal Fury’s idiocy, we have to analyze the heart of the fighting game: the characters. But first...

The Introductory Tutorial

            SNK makes a big mistake before your gaming experience even starts: they give you a long tutorial on how to play the game. I don't need a manual when I'm not buying a new car or microwave, SNK. I'm just standing here in the laundromat waiting for my clothes to be done, I have a few extra quarters, and I want entertainment and bad-assity...NOW. I wouldn't have put a quarter in the machine if I wanted to watch a demo of who other than Terry Bogard kicking and punching Geese Howard repeatedly (how bad do you have to hate your son in order to name him "Geese"?). The tutorial also explains how to make your character leap between foreground and background, and vice-versa, but I just got so bored at this point. All I have is the memory of this avant-guard interpretive dance where Terry Bogard is curling up into a ball and flipping around the foreground / background, hitting Geese in the process, with POW, CRACK, and BIFF sound-effects that sound like the old 80s keyboard sound effects that you never used on your friend's hi-tech keyboard being played at the bottom of a pit filled with crumpled-up paper bags while you're under the bags with earplugs on. The whole thing looks like some surreal hybrid between a Blue Man Group performance and a Three Stooges slapping / counter-slapping session where the stooges are actually karate kidz from 80s movies who buy all their clothes from Journeyz, Pacific Sun, Vans, and Hot Topic. Capcom never pulled any of this nonsense with Street Fighter II. Instead of tutorials with Ryu jabbing a stationary M. Bison, then waiting half an eternity, then jabbing him again, Capcom just threw you to the wolves. "Here America, you used to two-button shooting game? Have you six whole buttons now! So choose Ryu and the fly to "USA!" Plane zooms across globe with same sound effect for M. Bison's psycho-crusher! In USA you to fight old friend/rival Ken who isn't stop hurricane kicking your sorry capitalist bottom! HA HA HA HA! More quarters! Now you can not finish washing clothes for the laundromat! HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" As cheap as this non-teaching style sounds, it actually worked. Capcom put you through the school of hard knocks, and SNK put you through the same school of stupidity that Matthew Lesko graduated from (that guy with the question marks all over his suit who seriously flips out in commercials and says you can earn millions if you join his tree fort).

the characters

            When fighting game characters stand still and at the ready, they’re usually bobbing around, always in some kind of stationary motion. This is true of Fatal Fury’s characters, but apparently someone forgot to tell the SNK staff that they were supposed to be making a fighting game that actually works, not a handheld LCD game that runs on double-A batteries. The characters have what seems to be three whole animation frames per position. What this teaches us is that whenever you want to rush a game through production (Fatal Fury came RIGHT off the heels of Street Fighter II’s success), don’t.

            Unfortunately, the game’s developers thought they could compensate for choppy animation by including a few extra helpings of super ultra alpha hyper panty zero EX mecha gunbot turbo mega character design. We must look at the characters individually to understand this. However, be warned that Fatal Fury was one of those games where the characters other than the main ones (the two wandering warriors) were there only to be beat on by the main ones, shake their boobs, or illustrate some stoical warrior principle.

Terry Bogard

            This character is the result of Japanese game developers kissing up to other Japanese game developers by trying to create a character that out-Ryus Ryu. Terry Bogard is the character that your cursor starts on when you begin playing the game. This means that he’s a wandering warrior with a mysterious past in search of new challenges each day. Get this: his actual nickname is "The Legendary Hungry Wolf from Southtown." He’s cool and American-looking with his leather jacket, his baseball cap, his blond biker’s ponytail, and his blue jeans. Aside from Duck King, Terry is actually the character that comes closest to appearing genuinely unique and cool, but unfortunately for him, he tries just a little too hard. He’s like the highschool kid who tries to be cool by wearing a vest with little to no shirt under it. A risky fashion statement worth rolling eyes at.

            The developers were also trying too hard to be cool when they designed Terry’s stage. In it, the fighting arena is actually an empty platform of a traincar. The train itself appears to be traveling through the Saharah Desert or the Grand Canyon…except for the fact that Mt. Rushmore’s faces keep moving by in the background. The only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that Terry Bogard’s stage is actually a tightly circular train track that lies right at the foot of our forefathers’ faces…which don’t reside on Mt. Rushmore anymore…perhaps because of erosion. As American as this is, it’s a wonder that milkshakes, motorcycles, chilidogs, crackerjacks and whiskey aren’t raining from the sky and landing on the stage as bonus power-ups for Terry Bogard, so that he can replenish his Kame-Hame energy. I wonder what our founding fathers would think if they could look at Fatal Fury today and see that their great great great grandchildren now have big teardrops hanging at the sides of their heads as they now stand for life, liberty, and the pursuit of cross-cultural idiocy.

Finally, Terry Bogard’s post-win quote/taunt makes me cringe like that cop who accidentally drinks pee in Dumb and Dumber. Terry says “Wubba, wubba. I’m in the pink today, boy!” What is going on here? There’s something vaguely whorish about how this quote sounds when spoken aloud. You can try it yourself by speaking it to a friend right after you do something cool or get something right. But what self-respecting street-fighter would ever describe himself as "in the pink"? And "wubba wubba"? Is that a derivation of the sexually charged “hubba hubba”, or does it mean something else? What is Terry trying to insinuate? I’m so flabbergasted that I can’t even make a joke out of this.
Andy Bogard
             Every Ryu character needs a friend/rival, and for Terry Bogard, that friend/rival is his little brother, Andy. For some reason, Andy’s stage is a platform of a giant gondola in Italy…even though Andy is just as American as Terry. Oh, and Andy’s wearing a traditional gi. I view this as another baffling inconsistency, but the game’s manual probably explains it: “Andys not of the skill for his brother, so he became the Ken Masters character that was into exile. He packed his things and moved, where he found the sensei in Italy. Today he trains night and day for the many bloody battles. OH OH for fact schoolgirls, did I mention Andy is the virgin?”

            As Andy’s gondola floats along, you can see people watching on the Italian shore…and one of them is Terry Bogard! It seems we can’t get away from him! I guess he bought a plane ticket to Italy just to watch his brother fight…although he forgot to get on the boat and so instead just leans against a phone booth as Andy and his opponent float by and fight. This was a little far fetched for me, but in the end I found it believable…except for one, dark possibility. Is that REALLY Terry Bogard in the background? To find out, I selected Terry as my playable character, and Andy as my first opponent. When we arrived in Italy, Terry actually managed to get on the gondola before it left. When we prepared to do battle in the ancient panty tradition of friend/rival versus friend/rival, I kept a close eye on the background. Lo and behold, there was Terry, chilling by the ice cream stand! And as we float further down the river, he's leaning against a phone booth! But wait! I WAS THE ONE who was the REAL Terry! I was fighting Andy right before my eyes! What was going on?

            The most rational explanation is that this other Terry in the background is actually Terry’s dark side: Terry X. Just as Ryu contrasts yet seeks to measure up to Akuma, so does Terry Bogard play into the mysterious life of Terry X. Perhaps Terry X is a secret playable character. Perhaps I don’t give half a flying crap.

            Andy has a traditional fireball (two will cut your life bar in half) and an incomprehensibly gay anti-air dragon-punch-like move where he leaps into the air, shouts something in Japanese, and windmills his arms around in a blur. I know that it doesn’t matter whether or not a game’s developers choose to make a character’s dragon punch a move where he throws out a professional-looking uppercut or a move where he corkscrews his butt into the air while shouting something about Gamera. It’s still the same dragon punch motion (forward, half a fireball, then press punch), and it still takes skill and timing to use. But for crying out loud, SNK, please give your characters moves that are easy on the eyes, moves that hold some smidgen of believability so that it doesn’t ruin the gaming experience for us.

When you're fighting through the game, and if your next challenger is Andy, he says “Now you’ve done it! I’m gonna make porridge of ya!” Many of you probably have a friend or know a person who tries to sound awesome and threatening, but instead ends up sounding bewildering. I was once like this, sort of. When I was fooling around with my friends, I’d say stuff like,  “Are you a medical student? I hope so. Because I’m gonna frikkin’ write you up a prescription for PAIN!” What this has to do with being a medical student isn’t really clear, and why I used the metaphor of a presctiption isn’t clear to me either (since prescribing pain isn't nearly as bad-ass as bestowing pain...actually it isn't bad-ass at all). The point is that it sounded funny at the time, and I wasn’t trying to sound serious. But think: what if there was someone like this who actually DID try to sound serious by saying stuff like this? This hypothetical person would most likely be Andy Bogard, who also says “I sure have gotten the old stuff back” when he’s victorious. I swear that if SNK made Fatal Fury: Special Olympics Edition, they wouldn't have to change much.
Andy Bogard demonstrates his rare martial arts skills: a style of fighting developed specifically for retarded people. It's like a martial arts version of that part in that Mary Tyler Moore sitcom where she throws off her hat and the screen freezes.         As the two sexy young anime get-with-the-90s martial arts masters from America face off, the mysterious Terry X lurks in the background, leaning nonchalantly against an ice-cream wagon. These characters, these Japanese interpretations of American coolness, are just so mondoly tubular! Just . . . fuck you, Andy Bogard. Fuck YOU. This game has a unique, unsurpassed ability to tap into the primal essence of human idiocy.
Big Bear

            Big Bear (I need not elaborate on the gayness of this name) is the Zangief character of Fatal Fury, and even his grunts, groans and victory-screams sound Engrish. In Street Fighter II, some people actually could use Zangief as a playable character, putting his size to good use by mastering his near-impossible-to-use spinning piledriver. Big Bear, on the other hand, is just big, slow, and useless. He’s a big guy with long, thick arms and legs, but when he punches or kicks, his attacks do mediocre damage and only have a foot’s worth of range.
            Of course, like every other character in the game, Big Bear is missing a lot of animation frames. If Big Bear goes for a body slam, he'll grab you and then suddenly be holding your character above his head. Then, just as surprisingly, the two off you will appear on the floor as the ground shakes. Please. If you’re a game developer and you want to suggest speed when drawing a character, don’t do so by NOT drawing him.
            Also, Big Bear’s stage is a sexual nightmare. When I saw it, I was literally scared. Not even Terry and Andy BOGARD’s stages are anything like Big Bear’s. Let me explain.
            Big Bear and his entourage of cornermen (a group of buff men in speedos) are emulating Terry Bogard by hosting the fight out in the middle of the desert. But these guys haven’t just come to watch their man Big Bear fight. They’ve come to &*$#@ some sheep as well. Or at least that’s what it looks like. Look at the pics I’ve posted! Seriously, what is a game developer thinking when they group together a bunch of oiled, flexing, gyrating bodybuilders with a bunch of sheep, which are dangerously close to the crotches of said bodybuilders? We all know that Japanese cartoons and video games are full of “what the hell?!” moments, but Big Bear’s stage blasts through the roof of the what-the-hell meter’s hierarchy and straight into another dimension of electrifying stupidity and a black hole of gayness.
            Why exactly is a roving group of fighters traveling with a herd of sheep? My sanity tries to answer this question with “Oh, they just use the sheep for food…or the sheep were already there when they arrived.” But when I think this way, I remember the unfathomable darkness of finding Terry X nonchalantly parading his dark presence like those UFOs in the backgrounds of Madonna and Young Christ paintings. However, in this case, the sheep are not nearly as subtle as said UFOs. It’s as if SNK was trying to paint a blatant picture of beastiality in Fatal Fury. But maybe they were trying to be Edenic instead: “Here is our truth of combat into nature, in harmony. They are not do the jackoff, bodybuilders with sheep there. Truly, it is this: that men and nature watch the contest of skills here and are confident to succeed!”

            Finally, Big Bear’s intro quote (he says stuff when you’re about to fight him) isn’t as flagrantly disturbing as bodybuilders gyrating their crotches near the heads and asses of sheep, but it’s disturbing nonetheless. He says: “Taste the blows of this reborn titan. Ah cha cha.” Have you ever known a person who, in conversation, accidentally makes himself out to sound gay, then tries to back peddle and remedy the situation? Perhaps they’ve said something like, “Yeah, I watched Olympic swimming for most of the afternoon. … Just ‘cause I used to be on the swim team in high school, not that I’m gay or anything. You know…since...uh... they wear Speedos and everything.” This is the kind of person that Big Bear is. I don’t care HOW engrish or naïve you are to the ways of the gay. If you’re trying to intimidate someone by telling that person to taste your blows, you ARE going to give yourself gay vibes. Unfortunately for Big Bear, a nonchalant snicker of “Ah cha cha” doesn’t give him enough leverage to pry his foot out of his mouth.

            Here's a way that Fatal Fury's sexual stupidity can actually help you in real life. Let's say that you've got something important to do: you're sitting down, and you have to stand up to walk to a job interview, go pick up your grandpa at the airport terminal, or even walk down the isle as the best man at your old roommate's wedding. But all of a sudden......

SPROING!!! You get a super-boner from a hot thought that comes out of nowhere! If you're Hans Gruber from Die Hard, you look down toward you dick and mutter "Impeccable timing, my dear friend" in a tone rich with educated European sarcasm. But if you're a regular guy, then you probably can't think of anything but playing on the Slip-n'-Slide with this lady. This makes your boner rage even harder, but you can't go into your job interview with tented pants, and you can't walk toward grandpa with a raging hard-on. So what do you do? You think of the following Fatal Fury characters and the sexual nightmares that pass as their win-quotes. I guarantee that if you try out this strategy, your penis will reverse-boner quicker than Jerry Fallwell's if he saw Christopher Lowell go streaking at the Republican National Convention. Mai Shiranui

            Mai Shiranui so sexy I make miso soup in my underpants!!! She is not only has panty, but fans for the justice. Fans are used for weapons in this way, rafting into the unknown lands with panties. Statues stand in for the background, with seasons night and day changing to float by panty. In the ancient tradition of the ninja she was born, rising to the top of her class. Hard, though. The difficulties came here when priorities of a schoolgirl would be interfere with a life of a ninja. But of no difference – Mai was sure to do her best!
            Years later, Mai was mastering from using gay fans as weapons. Many hard days were ahead in the training of Ellen Degeneres from using nunchauk of dildos and nunchauks of tampons, shurikens from lipstick. Finally Mai found the fan to be her choice, with ninja magic adding for the fire in the weapon when it made the connection. Surely! Not a programming error when enemies here got flashing different flaming shapes when hit with flaming fan for the fiery special effect! Now the enemy would have flashing into other characters’ animation frames, like from here is Big Bear Wolfgang Krauser? NO! Not that, a programming error, but ninja magic of the panties!
            And look! Here we are to reference these other SNK characters here! A ninja floats by from the background stream tranquilness. He’s sure not from a tie-in in the obscure other SNK games stupid no one cares about in America! He is Akira! From Americans saying “But WHICH Akira? There are a ton of Akiras out there in your frikkin’ panty-land,” but we’d here say HA HAA HAAA HAAAAA see his scarf blackness of his uniform it is Akira from “Magic Blade Yurkoki: The Earth Federation Fighters.” Stupid American said it was Akira from “Akira,” “The old one about the kid with the red motorbike.” HA HAA HAAAAAAAAAA! Even now here we know from in the comics that Sally Forth has the neighbor of Denis Menace-san, Dagwood has Garfield in the ownership, and Wizard of Id gives the council to Haggar the Horrible.
            But panties matter. Mai has the breasts bounce when flexible gyrates into the winning pose, crawls along the floor in the crouch, with her fan being carried in her mouth like catgirls. (Ahhhh, Catgirl!) Mai is in the super difficult character in addition. Because with all these qualities to make her the bad character like Big Bear would hinder the mission to spread panty catgirl ninjas to America, where it’s in subtly woven the fabric of American culture, assimilating subtleness here. Soon “Panty Sakura Catgirl Highschool” neighbors the side of Dagwood and Garfield…but long before this time Mai is here to show panties when you play Fatal Fury in the laundromat, the only place dumb America leave Fatal Fury arcade, in the fear of suppression of our relentless ministry of panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties pantties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










Kim Kaphwan

            Here’s a blasphemous idea: a character that tries to out-Guile Guile himself! Nice try, moron. You can’t breakdance, you can’t throw wicked uppercuts, and being a stoical tradititionalist gi-wearing stereotype, you lack all character. Your self-righteous grin makes you look like a male prostitute. You aren’t worthy to lick your own blood off the bottom of Guile’s boots after he really flash-kicks your sorry ass out of the air.


FOREGROUND: Big Bear looks like Dr. Robotnik on steroids. His outfit is seizure-inducing, his anatomy is barely human, and his gloating victory-cry is "DOOOHHRR!!!"

"BACKGROUND: Look at the sheep and bodybuilders. When have you ever seen the two this close together in these positions? Hopefully never. (If you could see the game in full motion, you'd see the bodybuilders gyrating toward the sheep, seriously). One may gather that this background was designed by SNK's division of anime beastiality perverts. But honestly, I think that the sexual suggestiveness here is coincidential and unintentional on part of the animators. I can't believe how naive the Fatal Fury background artists were. First Terry X, now this shit. ABOVE: Big Bear's blocking animation. Your gaydar should be screaming off the charts by now. Basically, when Big Bear blocks, he stands upright, covers his crotch, and grits his teeth at you angrily. What the naïve SNK crew didn’t realize is that when a regular-sized character throws a punch, and when Big Bear blocks like this, it looks like he’s getting a hand job. Here's another example of SNK's sexual idiocy. Big Bear gets selected as a character, and he makes an enraged sound that I've only heard special ed students make when you tell them that mommy used chunky peanut butter instead of creamy to make their sandwich. When Cheng gets selected as a character, he sticks out his ass and slaps it a few times. If you've got a problem lusting after Laura Croft pics, just play Fatal Fury: Special for a while. I guarantee that your little 13 year-old peepee will reverse-boner every time you get off to video game character fan-fic porn.

Americas understand nothing of true schoolgirl panty; so we infiltrate American culture with subtle, barely G-rated schoolgirl...(fap fap fap) ohschoolg(fapfap)ohshitschoolgirl(fapfapfapfapfap)ohshit,sssshhHHHIIIITT!"Floats by for the background is Akira, from super SNK earlier release Magic Blade Yurkoki: The Earth Federation Fighters.” WE DON'T CARE, SNK. There are lots of young gamers who think characters like this are sexy. To me, I don't care if she was Pamel Anderson to the tenth power. Stupid and sexy don't mix. Like KRS-One said, I'm "Attractin' only women got no time for little girls, cause girls look so good but their brain is not ready, I don't know! I'd rather talk to a woman cause her mind is so steady, so here we go!"Whenever a character gets set on fire, he/she uses the same on-fire animation frames as Wolfgang Krauser...regardless of how big the original character was! But SFII was guilty of this as well with Dhalsim's yoga fire.




The originator... ...and the imitator.


ABOVE/LEFT: Here's a little something for all of you who praise SNK for their character design: a pic of the most retarded fictional characters in the most retarded poses ever conceived by man. It's as if The Backstreet Boys suddenly all got lobotomies at once, stumbled through a costume closet, and then all tried to do a synchronized advertisement for some Xtreme Martial Arts special on the Discovery channel.

Jubei Yamada

            Fighting game developers have the tendency to develop an uncool character that no one ever uses…but is actually very cheap. Jubei is this character. He’s cheaper than Ebenezer Scrooge as a crack whore, and just as stupid a concept. 
            Jubei is such a hardcore Japanese nationalist that he makes Abraham Lincoln look like Rage Against the Machine. With Japanese culture flowing out every orfice, Jubei is an old, wiry, stoical martial artist who provides comic relief by using pizza pies as fireball projectiles, along with turning into a flabbergasted caricature of himself when he loses a match by decision. Please, SNK. Martial arts masters are not like this. It’s as if the Japanese are trying to convince us that Musashi himself wrote A Book of Five Rings based on his experiences rescuing schoolgirls from tentacle monsters and hiding from his over-disciplinary master by turning into a chibi version of himself, bugging out his eyes, flailing his arms and running across a rice paddy while the sun sets, the credits roll, and the Japanese techno music blares: "Let's all go to the wheat of life! / All so many people have the groove of the fight, / It's the fight of the goove for samurai love / samurai love for you and I in the tea leaves!"
            Jubei's stage is just as annoying as Bob Sagat. As I mentioned before, SNK tried to be cool by giving their 2D fighting games a foreground and background that the characters can enter. The problem with this crap is that you, the player, are not actually IN the 3D world. Being separated from Fatal Fury’s pseudo-3D world by the second dimension (the flat screen), the 3D element thus becomes a bitch. The people at SNK actually thought that they were adding a spicy new experience to the fighting game scene when they did this. But then they just had to dump the whole bottle of oregano into the pot by supplying Jubei’s stage with giant wooden oriental posters that separate the foreground from the background. When your characters are facing each other in old-school 2D, this is not a problem. But if you accidentally make your character enter the background, he’ll be hiding behind the posters, and you’ll only be able to see a tiny part of his shadow or his toes! I have never heard of anyone who actually figured out how to make your character move between foreground and background, and that’s what makes things even more frustrating. If you don’t know how to enter the foreground/background, but if it’s possible to do so, chances are you’re going to do so by accident at some point. This pointless, unentertaining foreground / background interchanging occurs constantly during your Fatal Fury experience, and it is but one facet that makes Fatal Fury a concept worth rolling eyes at. But when it happens in Jubei’s stage, what’s left of the game’s structure goes to hell. You’ll find yourself saying, “Ahh! Get out of the frikkin’ background! What is up with a game that doesn’t let me see my character?!” Fortunately for you, you CAN smash the posters by switching from background to foreground or vice-versa. But since no one knows how to do this, you’re burned until the CPU character switches. SNK, you went bankrupt for a reason. Capcom may have bought you out, but not even they can rescue you from your own idiocy.

What's a good reason for game developers to stop making 2D games as if they were 3D games? Because the third dimension doesn't exist in a 2D game, that's why. Here, Duck King shows his anger by peeing on Jubei's giesha posters.

"AAAHHH!!! Now you're gone!!!" Stupid American, this game for the design not for playability, but of progress the storys of characters later market in cartoons and cosplay attire! Next time read long-ass tutorial! At start!

Actually, you aren't the demon of shit, so fuck you.
Duck King

Finding Duck King in Fatal Fury Special was like finding Stevie Wonder at a Xena: Warrior Princess convention. What in the world is such an awesome person doing in this loserhole?

            In a game full of pseudo-Americans, Steven Segal clones, Guile clones, fat restaurant owners who slap their asses at you, and wrestlers named BIG BEAR, only Duck King stands out as a pinnacle of the thing that the rest of this game lacks: total sweetness. I think the only way to make a fighter cooler than this is to give Guile a vintage track jacket and teach him Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I can just see him triangle-choking Bison and saying: “Hey Bison, remember me? Remember me and Charlie?… REMEMBER CAMBODIA? BITCH? ”
            Despite the fact that he’s not Guile, Duck King is just about everything I could want in a fighting game character. Double-tapping the joystick backwards won’t make him do a backwards dash. Instead, he MOONWALKS backwards while sticking his tongue out at you. Pressing down and hard-kick won’t make Duck King throw out the standard sweep. He’ll breakdance into a windmill combat-sweep! The rest of his regular moves are actually dance moves that have been only slightly tweaked for combat. Plus, he’s got Blanka’s rolling attack! Every Duck King fight is like the breakdance fight between Hansel and the evil DJ from Zoolander, only cooler. If there was some colossal retardo-force that scrambled my psychological structure and forced me to cosplay as an anime character, I would cosplay as Duck King. I would probably get thrown out of conventions for not looking retarded enough, but I’d just back-handspring away from the security guards, throw out a peace-sign with one hand, stick out my tongue, and shout out Duck King’s Michael Jackson-esque victory cry: “Won-der-full! WoooHOOO-OOOoo!”
            Duck King’s stage is two things: #1. awesome, because it’s an early 90’s disco set up to make a cool breakdancing environment, and #2. hilariously retarded, because it’s a Japanese interpretation of what American clubbing is like. Check out the pics on the right. The match at Duck King’s level starts out awesome, with breakbeats and strobe lights instantly kicking ass all over the place. Clubbers and playaz’ are moshing around the elevated dancefloor / combat zone, the actual floor of which has lasers shooting over it. There are even some little cannons in the background that shoot dry ice all over the place. Needless to say, give me an Adidas track jacket, some Kangaroos sneakers, and some coconut water, and I’ll be happy to spend the rest of my breakin’ days here.
            The obligatory stupidity of this stage comes first in the form of the giant monitor in the background. It flashes random crap as you fight, and all of it is bewilderingly engrish. Then there’s the giant inflatable duck in the corner that has a ribbon across it that reads RING OF KING. Finally, there are the two mohawk guys in suits dancing the same two moves over and over again right below the screen. But aside from this craziness, Duck King is simply a funky character who’s fun to use. In these days of Super Panty Gundam Hello Kitty games where you have to spend half an eternity learning how to level-up your bitter, spiky-haired anime boy, characters like Duck King come as a breath of fresh air.

Windmills, halos, airtracks, flares and STROBE LIGHTS, baby! Do fighting games get any better than this? Actually they really, really do, but at least there's a handfull of breakin' enjoyment in this retardofest of a game. "Ticket to ride, white line highway
Tell all your friends, they can go my way
Pay your toll, sell your soul
Pound for pound costs more than gold
The longer you stay the more you pay
My white lines go a long way
Either up your nose or through your vein
With nothin to gain except killin your brain!
Freeze! Rock!" --Grandmaster Melle Mel

Here's a collage of some screenshots of the giant monitor in Duck King's stage. In an actual disco, this would be showing clips of Lil' Kim shaking her ass, breakdancers windmilling, rappers rolling by in their Cadillacs, or sometimes I've even seen anime action sequences. In SNK-Land, we see a pic of someone's bicep curling a tiny weight, with the word POWER under it. We also see a shirtless guy with a mohawk and Oakleys, pointing up and saying "LOOK TO LOOK TO LOOK TO LOOK TO."

Listen, I know that I've spent too much time bashing Japan already, but Duck King and his stage could redeem the whole nation 70 times over.



If you keep banging your pots, you won't have any pots left!            It's a significant accomplishment to create a video game that, while trying to be cool and awesome, ends up being stupider than Ruprecht (as played by Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels) on a day when he’s actually trying to be retarded. It’s one thing to fail at being cool; when I look at your attempt, at least I know what you’re aiming for. But it’s another thing to miss the mark entirely by shooting in the opposite direction with the bull’s eye of awesomeness actually behind you. Logically, under these conditions, it’s hard to say exactly what SNK was trying to do when they made Fatal Fury. Aside from Duck King, they weren’t aiming for the target of total sweetness, so what were they aiming for? Man may never know, but I believe things can be put into perspective when we recognize that Fatal Fury was made by people like this: