STUPIDITY UNBRIDLED JJMike's roast of this deformed penis of a fighting game franchise called Fatal Fury
Back when Kellogs’ Pop Tarts were the rad food to eat, Pillsbury decided to compete with them by pimping its own tarts, which went by the RAD 2 THE MAX name of Toaster Strudel (yes yes yo, and ya' don't stop!). In commercials, rad kids leading inconceivably rad lifestyles would skateboard past Pop Tart-eating dorks and leave them in the dust. While at school, the rad Toaster Strudel kid would artfully take the Toaster Strudel’s icing packet and squeeze the stuff onto the actual strudel much like a DJ would scratch a record. However, when you’ve got a product called Toaster Strudel and when your spokesman is a fat, tiny little man made of dough, and when your target audience is a country full of bestial public school children, you may as well be trying to sell crosshatch rug-making kits to DMX. Anyway, my point here is that the relationship between these two breakfast foods parallels Street Fighter II’s relationship with the Fatal Fury series. Just as Toaster Strudel was a rip-off of Pop Tarts, so are the Fatal Fury games rip-offs of Street Fighter II. Later on, after maturing into the prime of tardhood, the Fatal Fury series ceased following in the footsteps of SFII and branched off into unexplored regions of stupidity.
Fatal Fury: Special's background music sucks so bad it isn’t even music, the characters’ win-quotes are straight off of a gay sitcom that Republicans only had five minutes to edit, and the animation is choppier than an 8 year-old’s hand-drawn flipbook. The characters have stupid win quotes, where they make some elaborate pose as if it’s the most normal thing in the world and they’re totally not trying to be cool in the eyes of American players, and then say “Hoptabita hamaguchi!” or some other, more long-winded Japanese taunt that really means “The fight have not really been good for you? This is for the times. Perhaps again, when Master Zeku teaches you the difference.” The fighters' regular punches and kicks don't seem to be based on actual martial arts moves that would work in a real fight. So basically, if you jump and make your character kick in the air, he won't look like Bruce Lee, but rather like what an old G.I. Joe figure will look like when you dig him out from the bottom of the toy bin. It's like he's using spontaneous retard combustion in mid-air, and when you punch or kick on the ground, it's Muay Tard. Even the alliteration of “Fatal Fury” is moronic. There are two kinds of alliteration: the kind that tries to be funny and cute, like “The Adventures of Buddy the Bear”, and the kind that tries to be bad-ass, like “Mad Max: The Road Warrior!”. The title “Fatal Fury” appears to fall into the second category, but after re-considering with closer scrutiny, it really, really doesn’t. What kind of self-respecting street fighter would threaten his opponent with a “fatal fury!” or even name a tournament “The Fatal Fury Tournament”? I don’t know, but I do know that Capcom made a good move when they chose “Street Fighter” as the title for their premier line of fighting games. Sure, the title is generic, but you can’t go wrong with it, and I find it pretty impressive that the Japanese had the tact to use “Street Fighter” instead of something like “Lime-Colored Hyper-Tactics X: The Yokozuna Fighters.” But anyway, back to the issue at hand. To measure the actual mass and density of Fatal Fury’s idiocy, we have to analyze the heart of the fighting game: the characters. But first...
SNK makes a big mistake before your gaming experience even starts: they give you a long tutorial on how to play the game. I don't need a manual when I'm not buying a new car or microwave, SNK. I'm just standing here in the laundromat waiting for my clothes to be done, I have a few extra quarters, and I want entertainment and bad-assity...NOW. I wouldn't have put a quarter in the machine if I wanted to watch a demo of who other than Terry Bogard kicking and punching Geese Howard repeatedly (how bad do you have to hate your son in order to name him "Geese"?). The tutorial also explains how to make your character leap between foreground and background, and vice-versa, but I just got so bored at this point. All I have is the memory of this avant-guard interpretive dance where Terry Bogard is curling up into a ball and flipping around the foreground / background, hitting Geese in the process, with POW, CRACK, and BIFF sound-effects that sound like the old 80s keyboard sound effects that you never used on your friend's hi-tech keyboard being played at the bottom of a pit filled with crumpled-up paper bags while you're under the bags with earplugs on. The whole thing looks like some surreal hybrid between a Blue Man Group performance and a Three Stooges slapping / counter-slapping session where the stooges are actually karate kidz from 80s movies who buy all their clothes from Journeyz, Pacific Sun, Vans, and Hot Topic. Capcom never pulled any of this nonsense with Street Fighter II. Instead of tutorials with Ryu jabbing a stationary M. Bison, then waiting half an eternity, then jabbing him again, Capcom just threw you to the wolves. "Here America, you used to two-button shooting game? Have you six whole buttons now! So choose Ryu and the fly to "USA!" Plane zooms across globe with same sound effect for M. Bison's psycho-crusher! In USA you to fight old friend/rival Ken who isn't stop hurricane kicking your sorry capitalist bottom! HA HA HA HA! More quarters! Now you can not finish washing clothes for the laundromat! HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" As cheap as this non-teaching style sounds, it actually worked. Capcom put you through the school of hard knocks, and SNK put you through the same school of stupidity that Matthew Lesko graduated from (that guy with the question marks all over his suit who seriously flips out in commercials and says you can earn millions if you join his tree fort).
When fighting game characters stand still and at the ready, they’re usually bobbing around, always in some kind of stationary motion. This is true of Fatal Fury’s characters, but apparently someone forgot to tell the SNK staff that they were supposed to be making a fighting game that actually works, not a handheld LCD game that runs on double-A batteries. The characters have what seems to be three whole animation frames per position. What this teaches us is that whenever you want to rush a game through production (Fatal Fury came RIGHT off the heels of Street Fighter II’s success), don’t.
Unfortunately, the game’s developers thought they could compensate for choppy animation by including a few extra helpings of super ultra alpha hyper panty zero EX mecha gunbot turbo mega character design. We must look at the characters individually to understand this. However, be warned that Fatal Fury was one of those games where the characters other than the main ones (the two wandering warriors) were there only to be beat on by the main ones, shake their boobs, or illustrate some stoical warrior principle.
Terry BogardThis character is the result of Japanese game developers kissing up to other Japanese game developers by trying to create a character that out-Ryus Ryu. Terry Bogard is the character that your cursor starts on when you begin playing the game. This means that he’s a wandering warrior with a mysterious past in search of new challenges each day. Get this: his actual nickname is "The Legendary Hungry Wolf from Southtown." He’s cool and American-looking with his leather jacket, his baseball cap, his blond biker’s ponytail, and his blue jeans. Aside from Duck King, Terry is actually the character that comes closest to appearing genuinely unique and cool, but unfortunately for him, he tries just a little too hard. He’s like the highschool kid who tries to be cool by wearing a vest with little to no shirt under it. A risky fashion statement worth rolling eyes at.
The developers were also trying too hard to be cool when they designed Terry’s stage. In it, the fighting arena is actually an empty platform of a traincar. The train itself appears to be traveling through the Saharah Desert or the Grand Canyon…except for the fact that Mt. Rushmore’s faces keep moving by in the background. The only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that Terry Bogard’s stage is actually a tightly circular train track that lies right at the foot of our forefathers’ faces…which don’t reside on Mt. Rushmore anymore…perhaps because of erosion. As American as this is, it’s a wonder that milkshakes, motorcycles, chilidogs, crackerjacks and whiskey aren’t raining from the sky and landing on the stage as bonus power-ups for Terry Bogard, so that he can replenish his Kame-Hame energy. I wonder what our founding fathers would think if they could look at Fatal Fury today and see that their great great great grandchildren now have big teardrops hanging at the sides of their heads as they now stand for life, liberty, and the pursuit of cross-cultural idiocy.
|Finally, Terry Bogard’s post-win quote/taunt makes me cringe like that cop who accidentally drinks pee in Dumb and Dumber. Terry says “Wubba, wubba. I’m in the pink today, boy!” What is going on here? There’s something vaguely whorish about how this quote sounds when spoken aloud. You can try it yourself by speaking it to a friend right after you do something cool or get something right. But what self-respecting street-fighter would ever describe himself as "in the pink"? And "wubba wubba"? Is that a derivation of the sexually charged “hubba hubba”, or does it mean something else? What is Terry trying to insinuate? I’m so flabbergasted that I can’t even make a joke out of this.|
Every Ryu character needs a friend/rival, and for Terry Bogard, that friend/rival is his little brother, Andy. For some reason, Andy’s stage is a platform of a giant gondola in Italy…even though Andy is just as American as Terry. Oh, and Andy’s wearing a traditional gi. I view this as another baffling inconsistency, but the game’s manual probably explains it: “Andys not of the skill for his brother, so he became the Ken Masters character that was into exile. He packed his things and moved, where he found the sensei in Italy. Today he trains night and day for the many bloody battles. OH OH for fact schoolgirls, did I mention Andy is the virgin?”
As Andy’s gondola floats along, you can see people watching on the Italian shore…and one of them is Terry Bogard! It seems we can’t get away from him! I guess he bought a plane ticket to Italy just to watch his brother fight…although he forgot to get on the boat and so instead just leans against a phone booth as Andy and his opponent float by and fight. This was a little far fetched for me, but in the end I found it believable…except for one, dark possibility. Is that REALLY Terry Bogard in the background? To find out, I selected Terry as my playable character, and Andy as my first opponent. When we arrived in Italy, Terry actually managed to get on the gondola before it left. When we prepared to do battle in the ancient panty tradition of friend/rival versus friend/rival, I kept a close eye on the background. Lo and behold, there was Terry, chilling by the ice cream stand! And as we float further down the river, he's leaning against a phone booth! But wait! I WAS THE ONE who was the REAL Terry! I was fighting Andy right before my eyes! What was going on?
The most rational explanation is that this other Terry in the background is actually Terry’s dark side: Terry X. Just as Ryu contrasts yet seeks to measure up to Akuma, so does Terry Bogard play into the mysterious life of Terry X. Perhaps Terry X is a secret playable character. Perhaps I don’t give half a flying crap.
Andy has a traditional fireball (two will cut your life bar in half) and an incomprehensibly gay anti-air dragon-punch-like move where he leaps into the air, shouts something in Japanese, and windmills his arms around in a blur. I know that it doesn’t matter whether or not a game’s developers choose to make a character’s dragon punch a move where he throws out a professional-looking uppercut or a move where he corkscrews his butt into the air while shouting something about Gamera. It’s still the same dragon punch motion (forward, half a fireball, then press punch), and it still takes skill and timing to use. But for crying out loud, SNK, please give your characters moves that are easy on the eyes, moves that hold some smidgen of believability so that it doesn’t ruin the gaming experience for us.When you're fighting through the game, and if your next challenger is Andy, he says “Now you’ve done it! I’m gonna make porridge of ya!” Many of you probably have a friend or know a person who tries to sound awesome and threatening, but instead ends up sounding bewildering. I was once like this, sort of. When I was fooling around with my friends, I’d say stuff like, “Are you a medical student? I hope so. Because I’m gonna frikkin’ write you up a prescription for PAIN!” What this has to do with being a medical student isn’t really clear, and why I used the metaphor of a presctiption isn’t clear to me either (since prescribing pain isn't nearly as bad-ass as bestowing pain...actually it isn't bad-ass at all). The point is that it sounded funny at the time, and I wasn’t trying to sound serious. But think: what if there was someone like this who actually DID try to sound serious by saying stuff like this? This hypothetical person would most likely be Andy Bogard, who also says “I sure have gotten the old stuff back” when he’s victorious. I swear that if SNK made Fatal Fury: Special Olympics Edition, they wouldn't have to change much.
|Andy Bogard demonstrates his rare martial arts skills: a style of fighting developed specifically for retarded people. It's like a martial arts version of that part in that Mary Tyler Moore sitcom where she throws off her hat and the screen freezes. As the two sexy young anime get-with-the-90s martial arts masters from America face off, the mysterious Terry X lurks in the background, leaning nonchalantly against an ice-cream wagon. These characters, these Japanese interpretations of American coolness, are just so mondoly tubular! Just . . . fuck you, Andy Bogard. Fuck YOU. This game has a unique, unsurpassed ability to tap into the primal essence of human idiocy.|
Big Bear (I need not elaborate on the gayness of this name) is the Zangief character of Fatal Fury, and even his grunts, groans and victory-screams sound Engrish. In Street Fighter II, some people actually could use Zangief as a playable character, putting his size to good use by mastering his near-impossible-to-use spinning piledriver. Big Bear, on the other hand, is just big, slow, and useless. He’s a big guy with long, thick arms and legs, but when he punches or kicks, his attacks do mediocre damage and only have a foot’s worth of range.
Finally, Big Bear’s intro quote (he says stuff when you’re about to fight him) isn’t as flagrantly disturbing as bodybuilders gyrating their crotches near the heads and asses of sheep, but it’s disturbing nonetheless. He says: “Taste the blows of this reborn titan. Ah cha cha.” Have you ever known a person who, in conversation, accidentally makes himself out to sound gay, then tries to back peddle and remedy the situation? Perhaps they’ve said something like, “Yeah, I watched Olympic swimming for most of the afternoon. … Just ‘cause I used to be on the swim team in high school, not that I’m gay or anything. You know…since...uh... they wear Speedos and everything.” This is the kind of person that Big Bear is. I don’t care HOW engrish or naïve you are to the ways of the gay. If you’re trying to intimidate someone by telling that person to taste your blows, you ARE going to give yourself gay vibes. Unfortunately for Big Bear, a nonchalant snicker of “Ah cha cha” doesn’t give him enough leverage to pry his foot out of his mouth.
Here's a way that Fatal Fury's sexual stupidity can actually help you in real life. Let's say that you've got something important to do: you're sitting down, and you have to stand up to walk to a job interview, go pick up your grandpa at the airport terminal, or even walk down the isle as the best man at your old roommate's wedding. But all of a sudden......
SPROING!!! You get a super-boner from a hot thought that comes out of nowhere! If you're Hans Gruber from Die Hard, you look down toward you dick and mutter "Impeccable timing, my dear friend" in a tone rich with educated European sarcasm. But if you're a regular guy, then you probably can't think of anything but playing on the Slip-n'-Slide with this lady. This makes your boner rage even harder, but you can't go into your job interview with tented pants, and you can't walk toward grandpa with a raging hard-on. So what do you do? You think of the following Fatal Fury characters and the sexual nightmares that pass as their win-quotes. I guarantee that if you try out this strategy, your penis will reverse-boner quicker than Jerry Fallwell's if he saw Christopher Lowell go streaking at the Republican National Convention. Mai Shiranui
Mai Shiranui so sexy I make miso soup in my underpants!!! She is not only has panty, but fans for the justice. Fans are used for weapons in this way, rafting into the unknown lands with panties. Statues stand in for the background, with seasons night and day changing to float by panty. In the ancient tradition of the ninja she was born, rising to the top of her class. Hard, though. The difficulties came here when priorities of a schoolgirl would be interfere with a life of a ninja. But of no difference – Mai was sure to do her best!
Here’s a blasphemous idea: a character that tries to out-Guile Guile himself! Nice try, moron. You can’t breakdance, you can’t throw wicked uppercuts, and being a stoical tradititionalist gi-wearing stereotype, you lack all character. Your self-righteous grin makes you look like a male prostitute. You aren’t worthy to lick your own blood off the bottom of Guile’s boots after he really flash-kicks your sorry ass out of the air.
FOREGROUND: Big Bear looks like Dr. Robotnik on steroids. His outfit is seizure-inducing, his anatomy is barely human, and his gloating victory-cry is "DOOOHHRR!!!"
"BACKGROUND: Look at the sheep and bodybuilders. When have you ever seen the two this close together in these positions? Hopefully never. (If you could see the game in full motion, you'd see the bodybuilders gyrating toward the sheep, seriously). One may gather that this background was designed by SNK's division of anime beastiality perverts. But honestly, I think that the sexual suggestiveness here is coincidential and unintentional on part of the animators. I can't believe how naive the Fatal Fury background artists were. First Terry X, now this shit. ABOVE: Big Bear's blocking animation. Your gaydar should be screaming off the charts by now. Basically, when Big Bear blocks, he stands upright, covers his crotch, and grits his teeth at you angrily. What the naïve SNK crew didn’t realize is that when a regular-sized character throws a punch, and when Big Bear blocks like this, it looks like he’s getting a hand job. Here's another example of SNK's sexual idiocy. Big Bear gets selected as a character, and he makes an enraged sound that I've only heard special ed students make when you tell them that mommy used chunky peanut butter instead of creamy to make their sandwich. When Cheng gets selected as a character, he sticks out his ass and slaps it a few times. If you've got a problem lusting after Laura Croft pics, just play Fatal Fury: Special for a while. I guarantee that your little 13 year-old peepee will reverse-boner every time you get off to video game character fan-fic porn.
"Floats by for the background is Akira, from super SNK earlier release Magic Blade Yurkoki: The Earth Federation Fighters.” WE DON'T CARE, SNK. There are lots of young gamers who think characters like this are sexy. To me, I don't care if she was Pamel Anderson to the tenth power. Stupid and sexy don't mix. Like KRS-One said, I'm "Attractin' only women got no time for little girls, cause girls look so good but their brain is not ready, I don't know! I'd rather talk to a woman cause her mind is so steady, so here we go!"Whenever a character gets set on fire, he/she uses the same on-fire animation frames as Wolfgang Krauser...regardless of how big the original character was! But SFII was guilty of this as well with Dhalsim's yoga fire.
The originator... ...and the imitator.
ABOVE/LEFT: Here's a little something for all of you who praise SNK for their character design: a pic of the most retarded fictional characters in the most retarded poses ever conceived by man. It's as if The Backstreet Boys suddenly all got lobotomies at once, stumbled through a costume closet, and then all tried to do a synchronized advertisement for some Xtreme Martial Arts special on the Discovery channel.
Fighting game developers have the tendency to develop an uncool character that no one ever uses…but is actually very cheap. Jubei is this character. He’s cheaper than Ebenezer Scrooge as a crack whore, and just as stupid a concept.