Reviews of movies I've never seen -- Taxi


Sometimes when 14 year-olds straddle their keyboards and masturbate with them, movie scripts inadvertantly are created. Taxi is one of those scripts. Jimmy Fallon is the screwy white cop who can't drive, and "Queen" Latifah is the jive-talking black taxi-driver who wants to be a racecar champion. Together, they team up to track down (I shit you not) a group of gorgeous Brazilian bank-robbing girls in New York City. < cd / run ethnicity_stereotype_exploitation.exe> Truly, this is a "high-flying adventure that will have you and your family 'raising the roof!'" And of course by 'family,' I mean upper middle class white families who buy their toilet paper at Trader Joe's. Your little son Marky will be flashing his empty box of Sour Patch Kids around like a police badge and slipping on imiginary banana peels, self-flagellating himself with white guilt. And your sweet little Kimberly will braid her hair into cornrows and say "true 'dat!" when you ask her if she wants more butter on her popcorn. Two thumbs up!

Jimmy Fallon and "Queen" Latifah are like reverse-doppelgangers of Murtaugh and Riggs from Lethal Weapon, except their dialogue is written by twelve-year-olds-at-heart whose perception of white people is based on Al Gore, and whose perception of black people is based on Chris Tucker and Balrog from Street Fighter II. Writing upon creative ground so fertile with stupidity, it's amazing how the writers didn't make Fallon and Latifah literally retarded by giving them helmets, thrift-store clothes, and token-boards (and I'm calling Queen Latifah just Latifah from now on, since the concept of self-proclaimed royalty is unacceptable whether you're kidding about it or not).

Actually no, I'm not calling her Latifah from now on, because I've already eviscerted the essence from this movie and set it down here in written form. Peace-out, Napoleon!


Shake ya' stereotyped ass back to JJMike's 'Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen page...but watch yourself! Show me what ya' workin' with!


Manage the procedural coordinates of the conceptual WHOOPS I'M SLIPPING ON A BANANA PEEL! [bonk! Slip, SMASH, SHATTER!!!!] 'Wah-wah-WAAAAH!' Uhhgg, I thought I was smart and white but really I'm just a stupid caucasian who needs 'soul' and 'get-down' if I'm going to find the front page of this diverse world!